Overheard on the Campaign Trail

So I’m sitting in a folding chair on Dakota Avenue in downtown Sioux Falls, across the street from my alma mater, Washington High School (the original, now the Washington Pavilion of Arts and Science), enjoying the annual Festival of Bands USA parade. Naturally, it being an election year, folks are roaming the crowd handing out political stuff. A remarkably polite couple working for Democratic gubernatorial candidate Jack Billion are working the sidewalk, asking people if they’d like a “Back Jack” sticker. I took one, of course--in fact I took three, knowing my kids would each want one. The couple moves on. And then I hear behind me (in a very loud and obnoxious voice, of course): “WE DON’T BACK JACK, WE BACK JESUS.”

Although it took a Herculean effort, I did not turn to see who the loudmouth was: what would I do if I knew her?

But I did find myself wondering about the lousy campaign Jesus is running. Why, I didn't even know he was in the race! Less than a month until the election, and I haven’t seen a single billboard, yard sign, or bumper sticker, let alone a TV ad. Plenty of those "ICHTHU" fish things on the backs of people’s cars, of course, but I have always taken those to be a warning of a bad driver behind the wheel (high positive correlation between the fish emblem on the back and a questionable driver up front. Don’t take my word for it: Start paying attention and see if I’m not right) and not a campaign tool.

I must assume, then, that Jesus is running a word-of-mouth write-in campaign, and I envision his supporters dutifully penciling “Jesus…H…Christ” onto their ballots next month.

For all the good it will do. Although I consider myself a friend of Jesus, I won’t vote for him. He would probably make a good governor, but I suspect he doesn’t meet South Dakota residency requirements.