(Amusingly, one of the topics of (very brief) discussion in the Business Communications class I taught last semester had to do with "appropriate" e-mail addresses. I counseled against using a Hotmail address, which sounds a little lascivious, and we discussed whether even Yahoo sounded frivolous. In the end, there was considerable consensus that Gmail was probably the "safest"—viz., least unprofessional-sounding—of the freebie e-mail services. I wish I had known about Sandy G Newar, who e-mails me from email@example.com to welcome me to "our team of professionals." A teaching moment lost.)
But anyhow, there's something intriguing about a woman with the e-mail address tequila_19, so I read on, and discovered a most interesting offer of Gainful Employment!
We are glad to invite you to our professional group, PES LLC and to offer you a job position according to your skills and experience. Your resume was found by our HR managers in the global network at jobseeking websites. You seem to be the one who suits our requirements and is able to make the job of our company better. We need cooperative, responsible, and efficient people whom others can trust and rely on.
Does anything say "welcome" any louder than "Dear Mr\Mrs"? It's so much warmer and fuzzier than "To Whom it May Concern."
And already I'm impressed by the prospect of joining the "team of professionals" at PES LLC, since their HR managers found my resume "in the global network at jobseeking websites" despite my never having posted my resume in the global network at jobseeking websites! That tells me they're a crackerjack team of professionals, all right, capable of using the tools of modern technology to find that which doesn't even exist!
First of all, we would like to tell you some words about our business group PES LLC. It specializes in providing worldwide escrow service. For many years of being in the market our company has earned respect and trust among many international companies. The official representatives of the 20 countries like Canada, the USA, France, Italy Ukraine, Poland, etc. prefer to work with us, as we are able to provide high quality service valuing the time of our customers and using up-to date technologies and equipment.
At the moment we collaborate with many giant companies rendering them the service of digital currency payment (eGold, MoneyBookes, eBullion). The number of our clients is increasing all over the world making us expand and employ more people for working in our team. Due to the dynamic development of the electronic money sphere and increasing demand in our service we suffer lack of efficient and professional personnel. Thanks to the new technologies we are able to offer our vacancies even to people who live far from our office but who have a desire to work bringing success to our company and providing decent good service to our customers.
Uh-oh. This is starting to concern me a little. They "suffer lack of efficient and professional personnel"? What happened to that crackerjack "team of professionals"? Where did they disappear to over the course of three paragraphs?
Our corporate headquarters are located in Bellevue and Northgate. The number of physical persons and pretty large companies using our services in the USA is growing that is why we decided to employ staff on the regional bases. We are ready to provide you an interesting, well-paid job that can give you career opportunities not taking much of your time. If you are interested in our job offer and constant career growth, if you want to have a job where your efforts are awarded by the system of benefits and bonuses, you are welcome to our team!
"Physical persons"? They also have non-physical persons working there? As in ghosts? Cool! I'm in!
Some necessary requirements to work in our company are the following:
- Being and an intermediate computer user and some knowledge of using Internet.
- Desire to be self-sufficient and financially independent
- Free time availability
However, we don't require that you know how to spell or form a cogent sentence. Unless "being" means you have to be one of those "physical persons."
More detailed information about the available vacancies and our company may be provided at your request at an early date. You will never feel alone in our team as our managers will be always glad to provide you with all the necessary information, instructions, and support. Feel free to ask us any questions answering this mail right now.
Attention! PES LLC is a legal company with licence issued by the authorities and doesn't operate with fake transactions. We appreciate trust and opinion of our clients about our company and are ready to protect our service from any fraud and indecent activities.
Whew…what a relief to know that their license was issued "by the authorities" and that they don't "operate with fake transactions." But I would be interested in knowing more about these "indecent activities."
If you are ready to earn with those who are proud of their job and be the part of the team, we are looking forward to hearing form you at e-mail: PESform@gmail.com
Not firstname.lastname@example.org? And, again, I assume that "looking forward to hearing form you" means they're looking for "physical persons." Which is kind of discriminatory, isn't it?
The amount of the position is restricted, so if you are an ambitious and willing to succeed person, let us know about it first!
"The amount of the position is restricted"…what does that mean? A small office? Or does the sentence taken as a whole—"The amount of the position is restricted, so if you are an ambitious and willing to succeed person, let us know about it first!"—mean, We're not going to pay much, so if you're "an ambitious and willing to succeed person," let us know first so we can direct you elsewhere"?
Anyhow, I might let this one pass, even though I think it would be keen to work with non-physical persons. There's just something about it that makes me wonder if it's really on the up-and-up…wait--I know what it is! Sandy spelled license wrong! She spelled it licence! I bet they're a bunch of goddamn limeys, ghosts and all! Screw that!