Thursday, October 06, 2011

It Came from the Mail Servers!

Odd things show up in my inboxes, very odd things. Sure, there’s plenty of spam to go around, and readers of these posts know that I truly enjoy a well-crafted bit of spam (probably because it’s so rare), but a lot of the really weird stuff isn’t spam at all; it’s just...weird. For instance? Well—

I can’t afford to pay $5,000 a week for the rest of my life, so I figured I'd better open it right away. God only knows how Publishers Clearing House would know whether I opened it or not, but I suppose they must have their ways. Better to be safe.

Honestly, I can’t think of anybody who wouldn't want to save DISCOUNT on ITEMNAME. Needless to say I went a little crazy and really stocked up on ITEMNAME. You just never know, and, again, better to be safe.

A range?? How big do they think my house is?

And speaking of houses: I have absolutely no idea what a “worm out” floor is, but it sounds like something I wouldn’t want to have—especially in the bathroom! Honestly, though, you’d think maybe the manufacturer would get the worms out before sending the flooring over, but evidently not.

This is from a survey, not e-mail per se...although the come-on to take the survey came via e-mail:

Isn’t that really just a yes-or-no question?

And finally, where would we be without some good old spam?

Yes, that’s right—really important special correspondence from INTERPOL! Try to contain your jealousy. As you see, I have been given some pretty good news from INTERPOL SPECIAL INVESTIGATION AGENT MR. SCOTT L. EVERSON AND ASSOCIATE. And associate? You’d think Mr. Scott L. Everson, being a Special Investigation Agent and all, would be able to ferret out the name of his associate. But then I really have no idea how INTERPOL does things. Perhaps Mr. Everson has been distracted by “some little investigation” into my case. Certainly he seems too distracted to form cogent sentences. Frankly, I always thought INTERPOL was a classier operation than seems to be the case. Budget cuts, I suppose. Probably why Special Investigation Agent Everson uses a Yahoo e-mail account.

Oddly enough, despite it having been more than a month now since I received his notice, Special Investigation Agent Everson has yet to e-mail or call me, as he said he would. And I figure if Publishers Clearing House knows whether or not I’ve opened their e-mail, INTERPOL should be able to see that I have, right?  It’s possible Special Investigation Agent Everson, or his unknown associate, also know that I obviously did not “keep away this message from any other person around you, because we have decided to conclude this issue with you alone” and are punishing me for it.

Which is a drag. I could really use the $6.4 million that Mr. Everson has mysteriously parked in Malaysia for me. Especially if Publishers Clearing House starts charging me that five grand a week.