Saturday, May 19, 2007

Summer Pants

Summer seems to have arrived, albeit in fits and starts, and with it comes an age-old problem: Pants.

As God is my witness, I will never understand clothing manufacturers. That much is a given. But swirling amidst the chaos of confusion is the impenetrable mystery that is Men's Summer-weight Pants. In general, I have three questions for manufacturers thereof:

1. What the hell is it with you people and drawstrings? What would cause you to think that, now that summer has arrived, I will want to wear pants/shorts with a drawstring instead of a belt, as God clearly intended? The drawstring concept is fine as long as my pockets are empty, but as soon as I have to load up with cell phone, keys, wallet, etc., it is physically impossible to tighten your @#!$% drawstring enough to keep the pants up and still be able to breathe.

2. The advent of summer does not, as you seem to think, mean I have less to carry with me; therefore your odd penchant for reducing the number of pockets in summer pants/shorts makes no sense. I still need both back pockets, thank you very much. Indeed, if I am not wearing a coat or jacket, I need my pants pockets even more. There is absolutely nothing that I carry on my person during the cold months that I do not need to carry on my person during the hot months. Nothing. So quit being so chintzy with the pockets, already!

3. In re the above, the items that I carry with me are not smaller now that the temperature is in the eighties. Indeed, in warm weather, it could be argued that these things are infinitesimally larger, since heat expands. That being the case, why are you trying to sell me pants/shorts with these ridiculously shallow front and back pockets? (And fewer of them: see above.) My checkbook is no shorter during the summer months; my wallet is no thinner; my keys are not "summer weight"--it's all the same. I need the same size of pockets as well as the same number. Why would you think otherwise?

Why, indeed? Am I to conclude that the designers and manufacturers of these items somehow do have less to carry with them between now and Labor Day? That the items are not only fewer in number but also smaller in size? And that they weigh less than in the winter months, therefore the idiotic drawstring is sufficient to keep the britches at a decent height?

Of course, you may say that I, the consumer, have the option of not purchasing these offensive items. Very true...assuming I can find otherwise, which in the case of pockets seems not that easy. I have already decided that the single pair of drawstring shorts, which I am currently wearing, will be the last I ever purchase. Not only because of the suspension problem mentioned above, but also for the more prosaic reason that the $!#@& string invariably decides to knot up when a guy really, really has to go to the bathroom!

Oh yeah--another thing for the manufacturers: What makes you think my britches don't need a fly just because they have a drawstring??

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Good Taste Be Damned!

Upon receiving this afternoon's "breaking news" that the Rev. Jerry Falwell had, first, been found unconscious in his office; then was in "seriously grave" (or perhaps it was "gravely serious") condition; then had expired, two things came to my impious mind:

First, how can they call it "breaking news" when it has nothing to do with Anna Nicole's baby, David Hasselhoff, or Dancing with the Stars?

Second, inasmuch as the Rev. Falwell was wont to blame the occurrence of Bad Things on the Wrath of God (for instance, 9/11 happened because God, or at least Falwell, was mad that we're not being mean enough toward gay people), what do you suppose Falwell did to tick off the Almighty so much that He smote him down in his own office? Must've been something real bad.

Perhaps God likes the Teletubbies after all.

Here's an oddity from this afternoon's "breaking news": Upon the first report (unconscious), I went to Google News and saw several hits all indicating the same thing. Out of curiosity, I went to Wikipedia to see how old a man Falwell was, and was surprised to see that he was already listed as being deceased, as of today's date. Back to Google News (and the refresj button), which by now was indicating he was "seriously grave" and "unresponsive." It was at least another 10 minutes before the e-mail news alerts arrived indicating that he had died. I tried Google News again, and of course the news sources had updated.

But one does wonder about Wikipedia. Is it their somewhat notorious reputation for lacking veracity? Or had God shared his plans with them earlier?