What to Get for the Man Who's always Offended?

This started out as a letter to the editor of my local rag, in response to a spectacularly idiotic letter published in the edition of 12/12/10. The letter went like this:

“Happy holidays” is offensive 

It’s “Merry Christmas” - not “Happy holidays” - and yes, it’s a religious holiday. 

Some undoubtedly will argue that there are people who don’t celebrate Christmas, which is absolutely fine. Yet they take the holiday pay and the time off from work. 

If you are that opposed to Christmas, then volunteer to work in place of those who do celebrate it and turn down the holiday pay universally associated with Christmas. 

In a world of withering political correctness, “Happy holidays” is an offensive phrase to those of us who celebrate Christmas. 

So “Merry Christmas” to all of you.

Usually such inanity merely makes me chuckle and/or shake my head in wonderment, not so much at people’s boundless bone-headedness but also at their willingness, nay, eagerness to put said bone-headedness on public display.

But this time around, rather than just move on to the next page, I found myself musing on the reason (if “reason” is the right word) someone would take offense at being greeted with “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” And so it was that I drafted a quick letter to the editor...which turned out to be about twice as long as the paper claims to want them to be (although I note that they violate their guidelines pretty frequently), and which I decided not to cleave to the bone to satisfy somebody’s arbitrary word count. So here’s my take, in all its verbose glory:

I had a nice little chuckle from the letter titled “‘Happy holidays’ is offensive” in Sunday’s Argus Leader. It’s always amusing at this time of year when people decide to be “offended” if they are not greeted the “right” way, or if they see “Xmas” instead of “Christmas” (ignorant, perhaps purposely, of the fact that since the earliest days of the church X—the Greek letter chi, from the Greek word for Christ—has been used to represent Jesus, and thus as an abbreviation is no more disrespectful than, say, WWJD), or when they see themselves as soldiers in the nonexistent “war on Christmas.” Oh, what fun it is to see people tie themselves into knots of indignation for no reason at all.

But I find myself wondering why someone would be offended by receiving the “wrong” greeting. Seems to me that it’s nice to be greeted at all, and nice that the person doing the greeting seems to understand that there are many holidays at this time of year, not just Christmas, and that the real offense would be to presume that the person being greeted celebrates a particular one of them.

So why take offense at what is obviously such an innocent greeting?

The answer, I think, is simple: Selfishness. Sheer childish self-centeredness. If you don’t greet ME the “right” way, the way I want to be greeted, then I take offense! I am indignant! I instantly recognize you as someone who is “opposed to Christmas” (as the recent letter has it)—that is, you are my enemy, and you must be crushed!

As a fan of irony, I enjoy how this “I am offended” mentality is so completely at odds with the message of Christmas—peace, goodwill, that sort of thing—and indeed so contrary to the teachings of him who the “offended” profess to follow—you know, the fellow who proposed people turn the other cheek, love their neighbor, forgive their brother “until seventy times seven,” etc. Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus admonish his followers to take up arms if our neighbor wishes us “Happy Holidays” or a local ad touts its “Xmas” sale.

My advice to the “offended": Get over yourselves. We are told that this season all about Jesus (I refuse to repeat the gratingly idiotic rhyme that we see see all over the place at this time of year)—which is another way of saying that it’s not all about you! The coming of the Savior does not depend on other people greeting you with the exact phrase you wish to hear when you wish to hear it.

Relax, for goodness’ sake. Enjoy the holidays a little!

---

Wow. Seriously?

Reproduced below, in all of its froth-spewing, red-eyed, hate-filled, venom-dripping, punctuation-challenged glory, is a lovely bit of e-mail that arrived a few weeks ago. It came from an acquaintance, forwarded with dozens of other e-mail addresses intact, and with the odd subject line, "FW: Pardon the language.. but this is a reality check.. Hugs,M----- & R---" whom I take to be the originators of the message, or at least the most recent passers-along. They are unknown to me, for which I am grateful.

As you read the message, perhaps you will be struck by some of the same things I noted:

1. Any time someone troubles him- or herself to utilize President Obama's middle name, you know they are about to regurgitate some particularly loathsome bile. Whenever you call them on this, the response is, "I only call him that because that's his name." And yet I have yet to hear any of them refer to his predecessor as "George Walker."

2. How the heck would the perpetrator of this repulsive missive know what George S. Patton "would have said"? Anyone can shove his bigoted comments into the mouth of any deceased historical figure. It has no meaning, no weight.

3. Why on earth should I care what Patton "would have said"?

4. Taken to its logical conclusion--although I admit it's dangerous to apply logic when dealing with something obviously written by a hate-mongering bigot--one must conclude that the author advocates genocide. For the anonymous author puts these words into Patton's mouth:

If they [Muslims] manage to get their hands on a nuke, chemical agents, or even some anthrax -- you will wish to God we had hunted them down and killed THEM while we had the chance.

Yep, there you have it. Kill them. Kill them all. That's what Patton would have said, by golly, or so we're told. Gotta kill them all before they kill us. By the time you realize "they" want to kill you, it'll be too late for you to kill "them." Gotta do unto them and do it first.

Except...um, didn't Patton--the real one, not the one made up by this anonymous hate-monger--also say the same thing about the Soviets? Didn't he want to wipe them out before they wiped us out? Didn't he warn that "they" wanted to kill us--all of them wanted to kill all of us?

Well, just to remind you that really warped, really scary people are all around us, here's the diatribe. Please note that your humble correspondent repudiates it entirely. And be sure to scrub off good after you've read it.

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After todays Barak Hussien and Cheney speeches this seems to be a good summary.

What Patton would have said...

This is how General George S. Patton would sum things up .... and then catch holy hell from Ike. He sure had a unique way of expressing his thoughts. ATTENTION! To ALL those whining, panty-waisted, pathetic Citizens, it's time for a little refresher course on exactly why we Americans occasionally have to fight wars to keep this nation great. See if you can tear yourself away from your "reality" TV and Starbucks for a minute, pull your head out of your ass -- and LISTEN UP!! Abu Ghraib is not "torture" or an "atrocity." This is the kind of thing frat boys, sorority girls, and academy cadets do every year. A little fun at someone else's expense. Certainly no reason to wring your hands or get your panties in a wad. Got that ? THIS IS an atrocity! So Was This!!! WHICH PART DON'T YOU GET? Islam a peaceful religion? My Ass! Millions of these warped misled sons-of-bitches are plotting, as we speak, to destroy our country and our way of life any way they can. Some of them are here among us now. They don't want to convert you and don't want to rule you. They believe you are a vile infestation of Allah's paradise. They don't give a shit how "progressive" you are, how peace-loving you are, or how much you sympathize with their cause. They want your ass dead, and they think it is God's will for them to do it. Some think if we give them a hug or listen to them, then they'll like us, and if you agree - Then you are a pathetic dumb ass! If they manage to get their hands on a nuke, chemical agents, or even some anthrax -- you will wish to God we had hunted them down and killed THEM while we had the chance. How many more Americans must be beheaded? You've fallen asleep AGAIN - get your head out of your ass! You may never get another chance! NOW GET OFF YOUR SORRY ASS and pass this on to any and every person you give a damn about - if you ever gave a damn about anything! DISMISSED! Do you have enough balls to forward this email. The truth shall set you free!